Why I Hate Colds

Colds are not the worst thing you can have. You don't die from a cold. But you wanna.

First, you walk around all day feeling like you are required to carry a bowling ball on your shoulders. You want to lay around. But let's face it. You only have a cold. The argument won't hold up in court. So, instead, you keep going.

John Q public has you pegged as the one with the cold. The bright red, chapped ring around your nostrils gives you away. But you can't help it. The amount of gunk running out of your face becomes a challenge, even for Kleenex. I do consider myself a step above the average two year old, though. You will not see green stuff running out of both barrels on my face.

You are a coughing, oozing, sneezing mess. Every sound that comes out of your face is disgusting, sending most peoples gag reflexes into spasm. But, what's the big deal?! It's only a cold, right?

They say that the fastest way to get yourself unsick is to sleep. Have you ever tried to sleep with a cold? I am pretty sure that it would be easier to climb Mt. Everest with one hand tied behind my back, wearing ice skates...and a bikini. It only takes one false move and you throw yourself into a coughing fit that would wake the dead. So, slap the Vapo Rub on your feet and cover them with a pair of socks, slap it on your chest and cover that with a dishtowel, rub Metholatum under your nose and pop a Menthol cough drop in your mouth. You now look like a scene stolen right out of Sleepless in Seattle.


Okay, the cough is under control. So, you lay down. Now, it's time to play Snot Tennis. You lay on one side and let the snot slowly volley to the other side of your nose. You don't want to move because your other nostril is now full of an unearthly amount of impassable snot. So, you lay on that side, forever. When you can't take it any more, when you have laid there to the point of rigormortis and pain, your roll over. Here comes the serve. Wait for it. Wait for it. Can't breath yet. Wait for it. Here it comes..............and............flooop. There is goes. The volley is complete. You can breath now. This goes on and on until you are lucky enough to fall asleep and put yourself out of your misery. That is IF you manage to not wake yourself up with an unruly snorting and snoring because you can't breath.


So, the next time you want to come over to my house with "just" a cold, just give me a call. The next time you want to send your child with a cold over to play, just send flowers. I am not a big fan of colds.


And, lest any of you readers live close enough to have actually been to my house lately, and you have a cold...no...I did not get this cold from you.