My Pearls of Wisdom

Over the years, I feel that I have received a lot of really good tips, advice and pearls of wisdom that have helped me live a generally productive and happy life. Some great ones are:

Cleaning a caked-on microwave: Cook a bowl of water in microwave for 3-4 minutes, everything then just slides right off.

Hard water stains: Vinegar is a miracle cure for hard water, including running washing machine and dishwasher, empty, with one cup of vinegar.

Making friends for life: take someone a loaf of hot, homemade bread

Down in the dumps: get more sleep, increase the intensity of your prayers, read your scriptures.

I could go on an on. I have had some really smart people in my life. I have decided now, that it is my turn to impart my wisdom; to share my wealth of knowledge that I have accumulated with life experiences and mistakes made. So, here are my tips for you.

How to bump into someone you haven't seen for a long time: Go to the store without makeup, a wet, frumpy hair-do, while wearing the most ill-fitting dirty clothes you can find.

How to increase your vocabulary: Learn a new word today. It is almost guaranteed that you will hear this new word that you have never heard before several times over the next several days.

How to enjoy the taste of crow: use blanket statements like "I always" and " I never".

How to ensure a great Sabbath (aside from the obvious): Make sure you have lots of chocolate, milk, toilet paper...and a good nap.

How to attract visitors to your home: Don't clean for several days. Wait until you have an explosion of toys, laundry, groceries and projects. Then, they will come.

How to ensure you have no visitors: Clean your house.

How to give your children hope for the future: Give them phrases like, "Don't worry son. When you grow up, you can be the hypocrite. But for now, it's my turn."

How to learn to love a photo of you that you can't stand: Gain a few more pounds, return to the photo, then hear yourself say, "Wow, I wish I looked that good again!"

Passing Gas: It is greatly suggested that you do not try and eek one out in the presence of a child. They have big ears and highly under developed filters, which allow them to say anything that they want, very loudly. Your "infraction" will no longer be a secret.

And finally:

Learn to laugh at yourself. It makes it so much easier when you find out that we are all laughing at you as well.

I hope you all feel enlightened, encouraged, and hopefully even a little smarter. Please feel free to pass along your little gems!